No Retreat, No Surrender

With a new year starting, I was more than aware that my current holistic well-being journey needed to go deeper so that I could go further.  

I was actively looking for well… more. I had become more aware that I was on a spiritual journey nearly 10 years ago and had been taking more and more steps to unlearn, heal, discover, and reveal more of myself and all the existential questions that start to come the further you go in and question.

I was having therapy, going down some rabbit holes, and running back to the surface when it became too painful to feel or to keep looking at. 

I then realised that apart from books, swimming, therapy, and monthly spa days, all my holistic health journey so far was mainly via YouTube or podcasts. With YouTube ads interrupting my meditation sessions, it was time to start investing more financially into my self-development, learning, and experiences and applying the knowledge and wisdom that resonated with me now in real life.  

A friend once told me these things are not free as I`m paying for Wi-Fi, but you know what I mean. I hadn’t fully financially committed to taking my journey further. I was consuming the knowledge intellectually and applied the practices well enough to help me get to where I am now, but I need to go deeper inside myself and into my bank account to go further.

Putting first things first, I subscribed to the Chopra App. I could now meditate properly without having to open my eyes every few minutes to press ‘skip ad.’ You do really get what you pay for. I also signed up for a life coach for a couple of months, which was a perfect next step. It was part coaching and part therapy, which was really good for me and also led to another coach, and then the next level of my journey began.

I heard Abi Osho being interviewed on the podcast of the coach that I had been working with. She is a holistic lifestyle coach that works with Black women and women of colour on their healing, personal development, and growth journeys. There was something in her voice and the way she spoke that captivated me. I had also been watching the Goop series on Netflix and was loving it. Her retreats sounded like I would be getting the Goop experience that would be tailored towards Black women and on a much more reasonable financial level (minus the Ayahuasca meditations).

I connected with her immediately, and we set up a call for that week so that I could find out more about her nature retreats.   I felt instantly connected to her and her work, and I booked a space during our conversation on her next ‘Empowering Sista Circle Nature Day Retreat.’ This is where I would be trying out grounding (earthing) for the very first time. This sounded like a good start for expanding my well-being practices and an opportunity to connect with a group of like-minded and similar women.

If your immediate thoughts would be that we would be “hugging trees,” you are among people close to me who said the same thing. It is probably something I would have said if it had been mentioned to me years ago. The concept of being barefoot doing spiritual exercises in nature was something the 20-year-old me would have externally thought how strange. Secretly deep down, I would have wanted to go along and experience it.  

We would all be socially distanced, so I had no worries there. Everything mostly took place outside in nature in  Fryland Woods, just over an hour's travel away.  

The winter lockdown had just ended, and I was looking forward to a day out anywhere. I'm a bit of an introvert, so the studies say, and I spent the last year on my own. My lockdown experience wasn’t terrible, and I had a lot of guilt about sharing my experience with others. Other than the obvious chaos and death during the pandemic and my first initial anxiety for the first two weeks, it wasn't a terrible experience for me. It amplified all the good things about my life and spotlighted the things I wanted to change, improve and create.    

The day's itinerary was exactly the type of thing I was looking for, and I was excited. I love being in nature as often as possible, but this would force me to be more mindful with no podcasts, music, or distractions.  

There would be mindful meditation and grounding sessions where we would be barefoot and connecting with Mother Nature herself. We would also make the ancestral connections through grounding that Abi spoke about in our call, taking long woodland walks, and sky vision boarding. Sky vision boarding sounded amazing, and I couldn’t wait to find out what this was. It sounds like a lot to fit into 6 hours, and it was in the most beautiful way.

I was genuinely looking forward to going along without any hesitation. The only bit of resistance was thinking about paying £70 to spend time outside in a public green space, barefoot with strangers. Pre-2020 time this was roughly around the cost of brunch with bubbles. I still have that part of me that still thinks of myself as a poor little kid mentally, physically, and spiritually. That spending on self-development is something I still am not fully comfortable with, but I`m getting better and better at it, and this is all part of it. 

I know now that I`ve been suffering from Self-Worth Syndrome as I`ve never had that poured into me and that it has been ancestral for the past 400 years. I`ve a lot of work to do, not just for me but for everyone that came before me. Through all the work I have done on myself so far, I`m consciously aware that my future is up to me and my results will now be my own and that if I don’t compound and apply the things that I've learnt and will learn then, I will not exceed much further beyond where I`m now. This was something that coaching helped me identify: that I didn’t feel worthy enough to financially invest into myself, which is where the discomfort has been coming from that has been holding me back. I wasn’t thinking of it as a ‘gift to my future self’ and how I would be transforming myself to become. Thanks, Coach Janelle, for this phrase I continuously use to push myself, invest, and pour more into myself.

Fryland Woods is lovely. Another new post-2020 place I've visited that I hadn’t heard of before. It’s over an hour away, and Abi picked me up in front of the tram station (yes, you heard that right). We had an instant rapport and connection; it felt like I had met her before.  

We got to the cabin where our indoor work would take place, and I met the rest of the group. We all had a diverse age range and looked like one big family without arguments or bickering. It was such a warm and inviting atmosphere. The energy in the room felt so good, not just from the essential oils from the diffuser.  

We sat in a circle, introduced ourselves, and answered Abi's prompts, such as what our intention was for the day. I didn’t have the hesitation that I normally have when speaking publicly. This felt different. Maybe because we were all there for a shared experience, maybe because it was a safe space for Black women, or because everyone seemed relaxed and willing to share openly. I was feeding off this energy and felt comfortable being open and honest with my reasons for being there and what I wanted to get from the experience.

Everything didn’t just magically slip away. My internal battles, self-deprecating dialogue, and my mind were doing the same thing it does on a daily loop, talking me down and out of things. But I also felt free and inspired to take full advantage of what I was there for - to connect more with myself, the group, and the experience we would have. I probably sounded more confident and outgoing than I normally am. Still, no one seemed to notice, and I was supportive and attentive to myself and everyone else in the group.

We covered a lot in what felt like a short space of time. We meditated, shared things openly, went for long walks, and did several exercises, including sky vision boarding and Grounding. The sky vision boarding was one of the highlights for me. Standing at the hilltop of a golf course, shouting affirmations to myself in front of the group and the rest of the universe, was as liberating as it was nerve-wracking. Hearing my words echo back to me was also really powerful. It made me realise how much I don’t speak my hopes and dreams outside of myself or even just to myself out loud.

And then there was the Grounding. It was cold, and we took our shoes off and did several exercises outside on the grass, barefoot. We spoke about our hopes, goals, and fears. I had only just met these ladies, but a level of comfort and ease made me less hesitant to speak openly. Maybe it was the fresh air, the barefoot exercises, or that it was a safe space for us as Black women to feel free and be supported, which is not a common experience or feeling. Or perhaps our ancestors were pushing through and supporting us. I felt something, not just the tingling of my feet on earth. Electrons, if you didn’t know. I felt like I had found something real and that at that moment, on that day, I knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be.

I didn’t really know what to expect for the Grounding experience other than I would be taking my trainers off, and I needed to bring a small towel. The intention of this, as said to us by Abi, was to connect us to the earth and our ancestors. We went through the healing properties and the spiritual and health benefits just by simply being in nature and connecting our bare feet with the earth.  

If you hear about grounding for the first time, you should look into it. With health benefits for your nervous system, mental health, stress, and more, it is a cost-effective practice that won’t hurt or break the bank. Try it out and see if it works for you. Although it can feel daunting and strange for the first time, I looked around to see if anyone was passing by, wondering what we were doing in the cold barefoot in the woods.

Being out in nature properly and connecting to my surroundings reminded me that everything we will ever need is already here. It makes you feel really small but big at the same time. The sad part is that we are still conditioned to be thirsty for more. When I felt my feet starting to tingle, it was the strangest sensation and not one I would have expected. We did a few group exercises in our Grounding Sista Circle, including applying essential oils to enhance the experience and help us connect.

One of the things that Abi spoke about during our grounding sessions that stayed with me was our evolution as humans. She spoke about the invention of the shoe, which has made us less connected to source energy. It really made me think about the developing world in the West. We are becoming less and less connected to ourselves and each other and face so many intense challenges. 

Abi spoke about how far removed we are from our Ancestors and their experience in Africa. They regularly connected with the earth and their environment through simple daily practices such as growing their own food and medicines and having their feet touch the earth, something we have ripped away from. I think about this all the time but never thought about it in that way and how something that seems as simple as wearing shoes all the time and rarely touching the ground with our bare feet could make us feel less connected.

Maybe we should all try taking our shoes and socks off and feel the most natural thing in the world to help us get more centred and be more aware of how fragile our earth and human life are.

All these free mindfulness practices, such as being in nature, should be available. Yet, we spend so much time and money being consumed as consumers trying to find things to make us feel better about ourselves and fit into a world already designed for us to thrive.

With my day experience coming to an end and our final group reflection session, I started to think of those who do not have access to either nature, resources, or space to focus on their well-being, particularly Black women. As mainstream wellness is not as diverse, accessible, and inclusive as it should be, these spaces are so important that we feel seen, included, and heard and have space to breathe and just be. With the group being a safe space for us, we could freely discuss issues and experiences without being gaslighted or feeling like we had to censor ourselves.  

I knew I had found a group and experience that resonated with me and that I would be back for more. There would be a Grounding Sista Circle weekend retreat coming up in May. I knew I would be signing up as it was my birthday month, and it would be a gift to myself. All the ladies that had been to the last one said how great the previous one was. There would be more of what we were doing today but over the course of 3 days. I was all in.  

I was so glad to have found Abi and become part of this group. I think I manifested this experience as it was everything I had been wanting and looking for it and was exactly what I needed. Although I needed something like this for years before, it had come just at the right time to help me feel grounded and ready for the next chapter of my journey.

Stay tuned for the update on the retreat in May.